Hello there, sugar plum
Now, Bazzy, is that any way to greet a dear old friend?
Furnish a dear old friend and we’ll see
You just might hurt my delicate feelings
Whaddya want, Chancy?
As ever, I am in want of nothing
However, you are quite fortunate in that I come presenting you with an opportunity
Keep it moving, charlatan
I got all the snake oil I need
But thanks just the same
Hush, dumpling. This is about me graciously allowing you to make up for past transgressions
You mean in a past life?
Is that why I’m cursed to know you in this one?
Blessed, you mean
I am talking about transgressions against me, naturally
You owe me, biscuit
How you figure?
To start, you realize that nifty device you destroyed when last we had a little run in was irreplaceable
There’s no getting it back
Nor will I recover the lost income I suffered as result
Oh, I’m sure you’ll find other ways of supporting yourself
Perhaps try selling the tears of orphans
That’s right up your alley
And while we are on the topic, there is the matter of you blasting the airwaves with my description
I will have to retire that particular persona
A real shame considering how long I spent developing that one
You were pretending to be a ridiculous holy woman with ridiculous magical powers
How ever will you recover the five seconds it took you to cobble that identity together?
That is the question, isn’t it, hun?
I happen to have a proposal that will provide a fitting solution to that very quandary
And it’ll cost you nothing, really
Considering the recompense I am owed
Well, I happen to be bored enough to bite
So what is it?
Nothing more than a small trade that, in the end, benefits you far more than it does me
It’s an investment really
I’m on the edge of my seat
As you are well aware, my travels have been remarkably far reaching
I have seen wonders on this continent of which other Midlanders cannot begin to dream
I, once, found myself at a most remarkable oasis
This patch of luscious green, surrounded as it was by the barren landscape to which we are all well acquainted, must surely be a miracle
Naturally, I found myself drawn to explore this majestic land
There, I found the most stunning spring
Water as clear and blue as the sky above
And as cool as the most relieving shade
Was it holy water?
Did it burn you upon contact with your skin?
I will have you know I found a bath in the spring to be most refreshing
And before moving on, I bottled up as much of it as I could
But it wasn’t until a few days ago that I discovered something truly remarkable about his water
You see, I found myself gravely injured
Due to circumstances entirely outside my control, of course
You pissed off someone with decent aim?
And as I tended to my wounds, I recalled that spring water
I knew it was too precious to squander so I’d had the foresight to store it for safekeeping, waiting until the right moment to retrieve it
My instincts whispered to me to apply this remarkable water to my wounds
So inspired, I applied just a few drops to the worst of my injuries
And wouldn’t you know it, when I awoke the next morning, I was completely healed!
Gasp! It’s a miracle!
And this miracle water is entirely too important to keep to myself
That is why I am reaching out to the very most influential Midlanders I know to assist me in distributing this valuable resource to those who need it most
Now, sweet pea, I know you are far too intelligent to fall for this
Which was merely a presentation for demonstration purposes
But tell me these rubes out here won’t drink it up
This is a genuine opportunity I’m presenting you with
You can make up for past grievances while also getting a little something out of it for yourself
And I benefit from this how exactly?
With a small investment on your part, I will provide you with a large enough supply to begin your own distribution channel
Merely find a few like-minded individuals who see the wisdom of this enterprise
Once you barter a share of your supply with them, they will go on to establish their own corner of the market
This is going to be BIG, Bazzy
And in my benevolence, I am offering you the opportunity to get in on this while it is still on the ground level
Everyone else I have contacted has jumped on this and I am due to run out of inventory any day now
You must act immediately
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I see the generosity of my offer has rendered you incapable of speech
You’ll have to forgive me
It’s hard to type while laughing this hard
I fail to see the humor in this once-in-a-life time opportunity
You know way back in olden times, they had these things called pyramid schemes
No, that doesn’t sound like this at all
Are you sure about that?
Think of this as more of an upside down triangle
Close your eyes and envision all that profit trickling right on down to you
And on that note, I’m gonna flip that triangle right back around and slide on out of this conversation
Lose my contact info, dear old friend
You drive a hard bargain
But I would really hate for you to miss out on this
So I’ll throw in a case of Mineral Mud Juice
Scraped from the banks of the very same spring
Increase focus and stamina by 90%
I am telling you, they will eat this up
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